Clumsy and Embarrassed
But You're sayin' You love me and You're still gonna hold me
And that You wanna be near me 'cause You're makin' me holy Still makin' me holy, yeah
Do you ever
have embarrassing moments? Moments where you just want to fade into the
background so no one will notice you? I had one of those moments yesterday. Our
church’s is called to get our 5X5 certificate ( my congregation supports all of the denominations special offerings) and as I go to stand up, my shoe
slips and I fall out of the pew. And it is not a graceful fall. I fall, try to catch myself and fall again. Ending up on my ass and hitting my head. This
is in front of 50 ministers and assorted lay people. After they have been told
I will be their moderator. Yep, me on the ground, in a dress, with the entire
world watching me fall. I want to blame the very well polished floor and the
lack of grip on my shoes (which will never be worn again – I should have worn
the boots). Why else would I be on my ass in front of everyone including the
Acting Conference Ministers and the Conference Minister (ie my superiors). This, after the first
time they met me, I am leading worship and the communion bread flies away landing in front of the first pew. Yep, me, clumsy, feeling
foolish, embarrassed and swearing a lot on the way home. And I have no out. I
will be the leader of these people in a year, and yes they chose someone who is
clumsy, foolish and embarrassed and wishes she could crawl in a hole.
What do you in
that moment when everyone sees that you are not perfect? Everybody has the opportunity to see
you at your most vulnerable. I exit quickly and then learn to laugh at myself.
Because they are stuck with you, someone who often falls on
her ass for no reason. I used to argue it was gravity spots, an old touch
football injury (tackled by the fifth grade boys). When the truth is, I fall a lot. I'll be walking the dog and bam, on my ass. While I want to argue it is my weak ankle. Falling can be completely random. A fall can be me just day dreaming and not watching where my feet are walking or there is always the ice excuse.
How do I explain my clumsiness? How do I recover? I remember the idea expressed by Rev. Justo González II, the Interim Conference Minister for the UCC. When answering a question about what we yearn for. He spoke about having real conversations, about longing for us to get to the heart of what we long for. He talked about how we needed go deep, to talk about
the real things, things that will make people uncomfortable, but we need to
listen to each other and get to the real. We need to listen and then give each other grace and accountability. Well the real me falls on the ground
a lot and has been known to lose control of the communion bread. These people
have seen me at my most embarrassing, will that allow me to have a real
conversation about with them after I come back out into the world again. Will they
be able to see my warts and all and know that I am not perfect. With me they
don’t have to pretend to be perfect cause if you seen me on my ass and tossing
the communion bread, how can I not accept you in all your clumsy foolishness. How
can I not have a real conversation, you have seen me at my worst. If I put on
the fake, perfect me, you will know its not real or true.
A real conversation around my fall can go deep. What is going to happen to me as I continue to fall but I'm now 60, 70, 80? Will my bones break during these gravity moments? If my bone breaks who will be there to help me? I have one son who at the moment lives 2000 miles away. This would require letting strangers help, whether at home or in a rehab facility. But what does that look like for people of different economic levels. Those who have money or family get to stay home with help. Those who have some money and good insurance can go to a nice facility that doesn't smell and has a lot of staff. Those who have to worry about money will end up struggling on their own and not receiving treatment. Those without money may end up in a place that smells. The smell is just a sign of the level of care, how much staff, how much time they have to care for you. My falling can lead us to conversations about what happens as we age, about healthcare worries, about money. Can we be real with each other? Can we have deep meaningful conversations?
A real conversation around my fall can go deep. What is going to happen to me as I continue to fall but I'm now 60, 70, 80? Will my bones break during these gravity moments? If my bone breaks who will be there to help me? I have one son who at the moment lives 2000 miles away. This would require letting strangers help, whether at home or in a rehab facility. But what does that look like for people of different economic levels. Those who have money or family get to stay home with help. Those who have some money and good insurance can go to a nice facility that doesn't smell and has a lot of staff. Those who have to worry about money will end up struggling on their own and not receiving treatment. Those without money may end up in a place that smells. The smell is just a sign of the level of care, how much staff, how much time they have to care for you. My falling can lead us to conversations about what happens as we age, about healthcare worries, about money. Can we be real with each other? Can we have deep meaningful conversations?
I get so clumsy, I get so foolish, I
get so stupid And then I feel so useless
But You're sayin' You love me and You're still gonna hold me
And that You wanna be near me 'cause You're makin' me holy Still makin' me holy, yeah
But You're sayin' You love me and You're still gonna hold me
And that You wanna be near me 'cause You're makin' me holy Still makin' me holy, yeah
God is using me in my most embarrassing, clumsy moments. God is still working on me and my perfect imperfections, loving me despite my flaws and inviting me to continue on the journey through more falls and more flying communion bread.
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